Norton frantically pushed the talk button, and moments later a plucky female voice greeted him through the receiver, "1-800-DO-MAGIC, this is Jessica speaking. May I please have your name and the nature of your problem?" Norton spoke through gritted teeth, struggling against his desire to scream, "Y-yes Jessica, I... My name's Norton and... Well there's a problem with Bubbles, Baubles, and Ghouls Volume IV..."
Clicks could be heard as the young woman responded calmly, "Okay sir, can you explain the problem? Is it a typographical error or something wrong with the illustrations? Do know that our typical shipping time is anywhere from 5 to 10 business days so it could take some time for you to receive your replacement-" Norton cut her off, "No no it's not that type of problem! Let... Let me explain..."
The obviously perturbed man took a deep breath before giving his story, "Well you see, I... I stumbled upon the spell, 'Gargantuan Growth,' and... It grew a bit too much... I'm currently stuck in the bathroom, I can't fit through the door..." Norton began softly sobbing, almost dropping his phone as he buried his face into his hands. More typing chattered through the phone line, "Okay Mr. Norton, do you happen to have a copy of A Wizard is Never Late Volume II nearby? I believe the spell, 'Return, Revert, Reverse!,' should do what you need."
Norton began crying a bit harder, "No, I'm afraid I don't. The only other compendium nearby is Cookin' by the Book, Merlin's Lost Recipes, and I already looked through that one. I... I gotta be honest with you Jessica... I got desperate and tried to fix it with another spell in the new book..." Jessica's typing quieted for a moment as she gave an inquisitive, "Oh?"
"You see, I tore through the book in desperation, and..." Norton took a long pause before blurting out, "I thought 'Slithering Snake Suppressor' might help! For some reason it gave me goat feet!" Sounds of a mouse being dragged across the surface of a rough desk filled the air for a long moment before Jessica responded, "Yes we've had a number of users report issues with that one. It seems we may have accidentally put a spell from the previous volume in under the wrong label. A fixed edition of the book should be released soon. In the mean time, to fix the goat hooves you should spin around three times while shouting, 'BEGONE BAPHOMET!,' as loudly as you feel comfortable doing."
Norton swallowed hard, "I... I can't spin, I'm still stuck from the... the first problem..." More clicking and clacking, "Right, that is a bit of a hang up. Hmm... Wait a moment! You said you were in a bathroom, right? Surely you keep some Eye of Newt in your cupboard, yes? Draw up a nice, warm bath, pour your Eye of Newt in, and soak for three hours. That should reduce the growth enough for you to spin and undo the goat hooves. Then simply acquire a copy of the good ol' RRR spell and you'll be back to normal! It truly is the 'turn it off and back on again' of the magical world." A few more clicks were heard, followed by soft music playing, "Thank you for calling the 1-800-DO-MAGIC hotline, have a wonder filled day!" Dial tone
"Hello? Jessica? Oh dear... Guess I'll try the Eye of Newt..."